My Haiti Story

I think the main reason I love sharing about my calling to Haiti is because it is full of the faithfulness and grace of my God. I first felt the call to Haiti when I was 13. I knew, at that time, at that young age, that I wanted to live here one day; I didn’t actually make the move until I was 23. 10 years – 10 years before my calling came full circle.

Waiting, generally speaking, is not my favorite. I like to make things happen. I’m a fixer, and I’m a problem solver. I remember throughout the 10 year period how difficult and disconnected I felt from everything around me. I was angry, and I was angry because I wanted to be where I am today, and I wanted it “now”.

But, as always the Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He called me to a time of waiting. I had the opportunity to learn more and more about Haiti, to research and learn facts about this place that I had loved from afar. I learned that there were two major languages spoken in Haiti – Haitian Kreyol (“the heart language”) and French. So, I started studying French at age 14… I wanted to be able to communicate when I moved. I learned about the poverty here, and the ways in which short term missions and aid had actually harmed Haiti in the long run. I saw how often, Americans with big hearts and a desire to help would come in without fully listening and understanding, and “fix” an issue while failing to empower the people of the country to stand on their own. This knowledge helped me be selective in which organizations I would work with; I wanted one that empowered and supported Haitians rather than taking away their independence. I learned about Cite Soleil – the poorest area in the western hemisphere – and the ways this community has been shunned and not only the world outside of Haiti, but by Haiti itself. I learned about the ways that racism, and the history of slavery, have contributed to the economic crisis the country is in now. I studied, and I learned. And as a young woman who now lives here, I am still studying and still learning.

While I waited for the Lord to finally send me, He also used my time to work on my heart. I had so many heart issues. I had been wronged and hurt in some traumatic ways. I tried to hide my pain and suffering, but it bled through in bitterness, and anger, and destructive ways to numb my hurt. The truth is, during the last years of my college experience, I was the definition of a hypocrite. I was living in a lot of sin, but I was hiding it, and going into church on Sundays putting on a face. I was a mess, and I was ignoring my trauma and refusing to get to the root of my pain. I blamed everyone around me for not being able to see and help me. I blamed the church for not handling everything perfectly. I lived inside of my pain. I had lost sight of my calling, and I was not walking well with the Lord.

The truth is, I couldn’t have served Him well in Haiti until I walked out of my sin and allowed Him to begin the process of healing in my heart. I’ve seen too many people choose to serve here in Haiti that are running away – they’re running from unresolved trauma, unhappiness, or a feeling of emptiness. But, this is the reality: the mission field is not a place that fixes trauma. In fact, it highlights it. Satan attacks missionaries as hard as he can, without ceasing. I have felt Satan circling me like a hungry lion (1 Peter 5:8) in such tangible ways since I chose to walk in obedience. I am thankful that the Lord made me learn basic lessons in humility, trust, and holiness before allowing me to move. I am still so very far from perfect… I make mistakes often, and am forced to recognize the depths of my brokenness and sin so often. But, now I do recognize my sin and need for Christ. I no longer operate under the assumption that I can live well apart from Him; I can’t. I had to learn that before I became a full time missionary, or I would have been chewed up and spit out quickly.