Alicia Lives in Haiti

A New Perspective

The last month has been extremely challenging for me.

I decided to stay in Haiti after COVID-19 officially arrived in the country. I made this decision after a few days of tear-filled prayers. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made… but even in the midst of the growing challenges, I am still confident in the counsel I received from the Holy Spirit. I still believe that the Lord has called me to be here through this difficult time.

And this confidence in His guidance, this assurance that I am walking in obedience, has lead me to a single question in the midst of these challenges:

Why?

Why is it so hard to be here right now?

Why do I feel like I am not adding value to my ministry?

Why do I feel so unheard?

Why do I feel like I’m not making any difference?

Why am I at the center of what seems like frustration after frustration?

Why is God allowing all of this trial and frustration after I chose to walk in obedience?

Why am I making so many mistakes?

Why is the virus spreading here? Why are these people, already in suffering, facing another unjust trial?

Why?

I am a big believer in approaching God with our frustrations. I firmly believe that He is gracious, loving, patient, and mighty enough to handle us at our worst… to handle our doubts, our frustrations, and our whys. Through the many frustrations and challenges I’ve been faced with, my time with the Father has been difficult. Most days, I’ve sat with my Bible and prayer journal opened, worship music playing, and just cried… unable to read, unable to write anything down. I just sat in tears with my frustration in the presence of the Almighty.

I recently told a friend that I felt like my time with Lord had been really unproductive because of this, and because of the ugly condition of my heart. My Scripture memorization, time studying, and time in deep prayer has been almost non-existent. And truth be told, when I approach the Lord in this frustration, my heart is only asking “Why are You allowing this?” I’m not listening well, and I am angry at the amount of hurt I am experiencing, as well as the injustices I see happening in this country I now call home.

But because He is gracious, He has not remained silent, and He met me graciously in my anger.

This morning I was lead back, to the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20): “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

At first glance, this had nothing to do with my “why” questions. And no, it doesn’t truly answer them. However, it offered me the perspective shift my heart needed.

My eyes are looking at the injustices and the pain I am feeling. I don’t want my pain to be invalidated, and in an effort to protect myself and to feel heard, my focus has remained on the ugliness I am faced with. I’m subconsciously thinking “If I focus on how bad it hurts long enough, God will start focusing on it too.”

But, friends, that is not where God has ever intended our focus to be.

He never promised an easy road in exchange for our obedience. He never promised us complete understanding of what we were faced with in this world.

What He did promise us was His presence. He promised us that as we walked through the fire, carrying out His will and commandment, He would be with us. He promised us we would not be alone.

In my time focused on the pain, I forgot that He was with me in the midst of it. In every heart ache, loss, and hurt I have endured, and will endure in the future – He is there. He is with me. Focusing on the pain isn’t protecting me and changing my situation; rather, it is keeping me from knowing the healing and peace that comes from the presence of My Protector.

Friends, I don’t know what it is you are personally going through right now. But I do know that this season has been challenging worldwide. None of us have gone through this without a single hurt or loss, no matter how big or small they may seem.

But be assured as a follower of Christ that you have purpose and mission. Don’t lose sight of that calling by focusing on how difficult it is. Don’t let your trials rob you of the peace of Jesus… It is surely still available to you in the midst of hard times!

For he is with you, now and forever.

May the assurance of His presence be enough for us moving forward .

An Empty Tomb

“On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, ‘Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen! Remember how He told you, while He was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again. Then they rembered His words.” Luke 24:1-8

As I write this today, I write it through tears.

On this Easter Sunday, as I read through this passage, God reminded me the of the resurrection. It seems simple, and as a believer, it seems like something I should never forget. But after reading through the resurrection story this morning, I realized I’ve still been looking for my Jesus among the dead.

And maybe you have, too. After all, this is a strange Easter for us. It doesn’t “feel” like Easter. Many of us are stuck at home. We are surrounded by death and sickness and loss. And, I must admit, for me personally, it feels like I am surrounded by darkness right now.

Can you imagine how Jesus’ friends, family, and followers felt after His crucifixion? I’m guessing they felt something similar. Their Savior was crucified. Yes, He had promised His return, but they watched him die! They saw the earth shake and open at His death. They experienced the darkness of His absence.

And yet, as they visited His tomb in their mourning and despair, they were reminded of His promise: He would, and did, rise again.

This morning, I sense that many of us are still in mourning. We are sitting in our losses. We are walking through the darkness and the dead. I say that without judgment… I am feeling that, too. But our Jesus is bigger than what we feel. He is bigger than the darkness around us. And His promise and word remains: He is risen. He overcame. We won’t find Him among the dead!

All that is left from that stretch of darkness is an empty tomb.

The enemy did not win. Our God lives.

Friends, don’t look for our Jesus among the dead today. During this current season of suffering and darkness, this truth remains: He is risen. He is alive. And He is still pushing back the darkness. He is the light that this season of darkness can never overcome. May we remember the hope and truth of His resurrection – that He has already overcome death, sin, and darkness. May we remember an empty tomb today.

When the Safety Nets are Gone

As many of you know, as of last night, there were two confirmed cases of COVID-19 found in Haiti yesterday evening. These are the first cases found in the country as of now, and the news didn’t come lightly. Haiti will go on lock down again, but this time by choice. A country with many involuntary lock downs, scarcity and shortages already happening before the corona virus even existed, a country already living through a season of fear of what might happen….

It doesn’t seem fair. It’s painful. We knew it was coming, we clung to the hope that Haiti would be spared from this virus that has put the rest of the world on hold. As missionaries our hearts are broken for this place we now call home, and these people we now call family.

But, this is reality now. We are stepping into yet another unknown.

And from a missionary perspective, this time, it feels different. The safety nets we have in place are no longer a guarantee. And it feels like a deep intentional attack from Satan. And quite honestly, it feels like there is no out.

Even though I am living in Haiti, I have always had the guarantee that at any time I needed to, I could hop on a plane and go back to the States to take a break. But now, the Haitian airport is closed. For the first time since moving here, I truly don’t know when I will see my family next. It feels scary. It’s heartbreaking. So many friends here are feeling the pain of this new reality as well, and my heart hurts for them too.

I have a dear friend and co-worker here that I am used to seeing everyday. With social distancing and hours cut back, I am not quite sure when I get to see my friend again. My friend’s presence brings me peace and calms me… I’m worried for my friend, and I miss the security and consistency of seeing him everyday. I miss the guarantee of this daily safety net.

Small creature comforts are going to grow scarce soon… familiarity is going out the door.

My routine may yet again change. I may lose more freedoms and independence… Just as I am buying a car.

If I can be completely honest, as a person living with anxiety, I’m struggling as I watch as each of my coping skills are being stripped away. The routine and structure I thought I had is being flipped on its head. And on top of my personal struggle, my heart aches for my Haitian friends as I watch them slip into the grip of fear. It hurts so much to see them terrified.

But as I have sat in this heart ache with my God – in my tears, in my anger and confusion, in my fear – He has been faithful in lifting my eyes again with a question….

“With your safety nets gone, will you lean on Me?”

I feel the spiritual attacks of Satan in a major way right now. I feel like the attacks are daily, and he just won’t stop. But, God in His goodness, is using this season to teach me and refine me even more.

I have a choice to make… when things get harder, when my comforts and distractions are growing more and more scarce, when the injustice and hurt around me grows… Will I still walk in obedience to the calling He gave me? Will I trust Him, and will I learn to trust in Him alone? Will I refocus my heart on Him? Will I remember that my distractions and coping skills are not what I worship, and are not where my ultimate peace will come from?

Today, with everything in me, I am choosing to say ‘yes’ to Him.

I will lean on Him, and Him alone. I will step into the unknown with Him by my side. Through my tears, through my heart ache, through the fear… I will choose to trust in His goodness.

This is a season of trial, fear, and heartache for all of us in some way. We are all facing the fear of unknown, and the fear of big changes.

But friends, we have a choice….

Will you lean on Him while your ‘normal’ is shifting?

With changed routines, many unknowns and uncertainties, and situations that feel unfair, will you walk with Him?

Will you say ‘yes’ to trusting Him today?

A Higher Way

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Working in the mission field is so very interesting. It’s rewarding. It’s fun. It’s beautiful. It’s also challenging and exhausting. It’s different. Simply put: it’s a little weird for me. I often start talking about my job by saying “Yeah, my job is real weird…” and then continue to describe what my typical day looks like. What we do as overseas missionaries has a fundamental “otherness” to it… We work with and live in a culture that is different than ours. But at the same time, we work with other Americans.

I rarely don’t notice the “otherness” of the life I’ve been called to until I’m talking through my typical day with another American. The differences are highlighted; what I do and how my schedule flows is truly foreign to them. Some weeks, it’s easy to talk about what I do. The differences are funny, and even quite beautiful. You can see God’s mighty hand in what is unfamiliar. Other weeks, what is different and unfamiliar feels difficult and isolating.

During these challenging days, these days where the “otherness” of what I have been called to reminds that walking in obedience isn’t always easy, I often find myself asking God “Really… You thought I was cut out for this? You thought I was good fit to be here?”

And that is when Isaiah 55:8 is brought to my mind….